Posts Tagged ‘Gag Real’
This was our first post on The Merry Librarian, and it remains one of our favorite (and most disgusting) stories. You could say that this story started it all! When Merry heard this tale from one of her coworkers, she knew she had to start a blog to chronicle some of the insanity of working in a library. Enjoy this gem from our past, and keep the Merry Librarian alive by sending in your own stories, too!
“Leaving a Legacy”
It has been a very busy day at the library, and the librarian takes a breath for the first time since lunch. With the breath comes a whiff of something very foul. Groaning inwardly, the librarian steps out from behind her desk to investigate—but she doesn’t get far.
Starting at the front door and passing through the self-check area, past the main desk, through the Children’s Section, up the stairs, around Adult Fiction and out the back door is a trail of human feces.
The librarian alerts the staff, who all try to keep from gagging while discussing what, exactly, should be done. A search is mounted for the defecator while the custodial crew (aka, the librarians) use the “Bodily Fluids Clean Up Kit” to dispose of the chunkier material. Later, one of the clerks realizes she’s stepped in a piece of the fecal matter and has been tracking it throughout the library. She is so upset that she has to go home to change clothes and shoes.
The perpetrator cannot be found, and so the security tapes must be viewed. Suspecting a child, the staff eyes the tapes carefully. Instead of a child, however, a middle aged woman–wearing white pants–walks through the front doors. She is apparently oblivious to the legacy she is leaving on the floor behind her. Nearby patrons, however, turn, point, hold their noses and hurry out of the library. Not one of them reports the woman to a staff member before she has left her trail throughout the library.
Moral of the story: If you see a person leaving a trail of poop, giggle, point, hold your nose and run away. Under no circumstances should you do something helpful, however…such as report the incident to staff.
Submit your stories to The Merry Librarian at email@example.com, or by calling our Story Line!
Librarians of the World: Australia
We love our readers here at The Merry Librarian. Your stories have made us laugh, touched our hearts, and even given us the creeps a time or two. As more people discover us, we continue to develope a faithful global audience of readers. In celebration of this, Merry has decided to host our first ever “Librarians of the World” month, exclusively featuring stories from librarians outside of the United States. March of 2010 will be dedicated to those fearless librarians working down under in Australia. We are excited to celebrate Australian librarians all month long!
Thank you to those of you who’ve already submitted stories. And to our many other international readers, we hope you’ll submit your stories as well! We look forward to featuring more stories from the librarians of the world in the future!
Our first story from Down Under might make J.K. Rowling blush, we’re afraid. Nonetheless, we got a giggle out of this tale from Sydney, Australia.
I used to work in a public library in Sydney (as a library assistant).
A patron was on one of the computer pods connected to the Internet. The computer is right by the stairs and also under a surveillance camera. A male staff member walked past the patron and saw him with his hand inside his pants, and alerted security staff. Security looked at the guy via CCTV for a little while, and went upstairs to the patron and asked him to leave the library. The patron asked why, and security pointed at his pants’ zipper and said “You know why.”
When asked what he was doing on the internet, the patron replied that he was reading Harry Potter.
The patron was then banned. He attempted to come back into the library but security already knew to not let him in.
I had walked behind him in the past [prior to this event] and saw him reading lots of text on the screen in Chinese. My guess is that he was reading some steamy stories in Chinese, which somehow didn’t get blocked by the censoring software.
~“Betty” Sydney, Australia
Send us your stories at firstname.lastname@example.org, or call or text your stories in at (216) 23M-ERRY! (216-236-3779)
Book drops. It seems simple, doesn’t it? A name like “book drop” doesn’t leave much room for mystery…you’d think.
A recent poll of librarians has proven otherwise, however. Across the nation, patrons of public libraries have confused a book drop with trash receptacles, a donation box, urinals, chicken coops… The list goes on and on.
While we may never understand how or why this confusion occurs, we do know that the result of patron confusion–though sometimes disturbing–is frequently amusing. So, until the government provides libraries with several billion dollars to launch an education campaign on proper book drop use, we have taken it upon ourselves to provide you with this useful list of book drop dos and don’ts–all based on the true stories that have been sent in from around the world.
1. Situation: You work at a library in the city of Las Vegas, NV. As you approach the book drop, you hear the sound of squawking and scratching.
Don’t…Assume you’re crazy. You may be miles from the nearest farm, but there actually are chickens in your book drop…complete with food and water. Hey, it happens.
Do… Tell your coworkers to fire up the bar-be-que, baby!
2. Situation: Upon opening the book drop, you are pummeled by the stench of garbage. And on top of the rubbish heap in your book drop? A used maxi pad.
Don’t…Toss your cookies into the book drop. You’d only have to clean that up, too.
Do…Consider dumping the contents of the book drop into the yard of your most obnoxious patron. While you daydream about this, fetch your rubber gloves and trash bag, and hope that the old saying, “what goes around, comes around” is true.
3. Situation: Under all of the returned books, you find a photo album with a note scribbled across the front: “My best return.” You open it and discover it’s a wedding album…with the head of the groom cut out of every picture.
Don’t… Display the album on your library’s “recommended reading” table.
Do…Hand a picture of the bride to your single coworker and say, “Hey, this hottie’s single.”
4. Situation: Every book you pull out of the book drop has a Breath Right strip stuck to it.
Don’t… Put your “Reduce Reuse Recycle” mantra into practice.
Do… Use hand sanitizer to strip the strips. That stuff works like a charm in so many sticky situations!
5. Situation: Mixed in with the regular DVDs in the book drop is a DVD of hardcore porn…with instructional diagrams stuck to the front cover.
Don’t… Shout across the library to your coworker, “Dude! That video you wanted came in!”
Do… Use copious amounts of hand sanitizer after you toss this special find into the trash.
6. Situation: Because the book drop at your library is both ancient and enormous, you are forced to crawl inside of it in order to get to the books in the back corner that have fallen out of the cart. While you are inside, a patron deposits his lunch leftovers–including an unfinished soda and partially eaten sandwich–into the book drop. You emerge, covered in turkey and Diet Coke, and face the culprit.
Don’t…Expect an apology. It’s your fault anyway. You were the one on all fours inside the large receptacle marked “BOOK DROP.” Clearly you had it coming.
Do… Give the patron a big hug and thank him for his generosity.
And our all time favorite find in a book drop is…
7. Situation: The police are called after a 13-year-old boy sets off motion sensors when he “falls” through the book drop slot and into the library after hours.
Don’t…Forget to take a picture of this memorable event!
Do…Consider setting up raccoon traps inside the library. Hey, if a teenage boy can get in, who knows what other wildlife is wandering the stacks at night!
More fun surprises found in book drops include…
* baggies of doggie poo
* car keys (how did the patron drive home…?)
* Black widow spider
* a birth certificate
* money (our favorite!)
* pay check
* the flowers the library had just planted
Send in your stories at email@example.com!
Attention! The Merry Librarian is looking for stories to feature in an upcoming theme-based series. If you have any true stories about weddings or wedding photography taking place in your library, send them in! Your story could be published on our site! Email us at firstname.lastname@example.org!